Ryan's Haikustics Page
Can you write haiku?
Seven syllables between
Five-syllable lines.
If I were an ev-
il frog I'd have yellow eyes.
I'd look in your spam.
(rew)
[sent to me by klm]
> a pink pork spam scent
> reminds my tongue of a taste:
> an evil woman
Slimy salted slab,
Savory slices served, so
Serenely savored.
I look at the spam.
It looks back at me and says
(So smugly), "Bite me."
Stupid spam haiku.
It sucks big rocks, yes indeed,
This stupid haiku.
I think I love spam.
But as I think about it,
I hate spam haikus.
It isn't just that
I hate all these spam haikus;
It's that they all suck.
I would not write one.
I think I would rather die
Than write such drivel.
You are clearly awed;
Too blown away to respond
Without gibbering.
(rew)
The Aug. 22 2002 email cycle:
When do you get back
From your Belize mission trip,
I would like to know?
And when you get here,
Are you going to help me
Update my church list?
This is the first month
In which Belize has been in
The "top countries" list.
(My web stats software
reports, among other things,
visitors' countries.)
I know you're amazed
at how I can make things fit
Into a haiku .
You probably wish
You were nearly as gifted
At haiku spewing.
Of course, we all have
Burdens we're fated to bear
Through this vale of tears.
Yours is not so rare;
In fact, lots of folks share your
Awe at my haiku.
Of course, you could say
That having read so many,
You are overwhelmed.
You might even try
To convince me to back off
Before you implode.
But I say, "No way!"
Mostly because I needed
Two syllables there.
But I continue,
"Suck it up and be a man!"
That should help a lot.
After all, it's true
That all you need to get through
Is some bucking up.
So, in conclusion,
Try to keep your snivelling
To a minimum.
Especially when
You are blessed (and cursed, no doubt)
To read my haiku.
10/03/03
Predestination haiku and friends
Predestination -
Man, after using that word,
Haiku's nearly full.
Hardly enough room
After such a word as that,
To say anything.
But perhaps it's fate;
That haiku is too cramped for
Predestination.
Maybe it's karmic:
This regenerative style,
Circling the wagons.
I know that last one
Didn't make a lick of sense,
But it sounded nice.
I am haiku man.
Maybe I was predestined
To write haiku thus.
Or perhaps blind chance
Led me down the twisting paths
That have brought me here.
It's too late to think,
Too early to go to bed,
Too hard to get up.
I think I'll sit here
And tap out some simple verse,
Express all my angst.
Maybe after all
(Do I dare? I'll eat this peach),
It *was* what she meant.
Extra points for you
If you can discern the work
Alluded to there.
Jan. 23, 2002
I need to compose
Seven silver syllables,
Haiku middle lines.
It's both gift and curse,
A burden heavy to bear,
Having this talent.
But I soldier on,
Rhythmic counting, ebb and flow,
Making my thoughts fit.
Martyr for my art,
Tired fingers tappety-tap.
My brain screams for rest.
No rest for me now -
There is so much more to write,
Where does the time go?
It seems yesterday,
When it was a day before
What it is right now.
If that strikes you odd,
Think, if you will, about this -
Tomorrow looms soon.
Sooner than we think,
This day will pass into that;
Present becomes past.
If Kid Rock wrote this,
He'd add 'fluff' and 'wisconsin',
Plus a kickin' beat.
Of course, he'd be right -
What poem's verses could not stand
A good 'wisconsin'?
So, is this the type
Of haiku we could hand out
This year at Lectures?
Making each word count -
That is what I'm on about -
Don't waste any words.
Nope. Don't waste any.
Not one. Space is too precious.
Got no room to spare.
So I don't waste space.
Don't have any extra space
To waste, so I don't.
I have told you once -
We're an anarchosyndic-
alist commune (whew!)
Now we see violence -
Help! Help! I'm being repressed
By poetic form.
What a giveaway!
You saw it repressin' me.
Quoth the Rapper - Yo.
This non-sequitir -
Maybe on the edge of cheese -
Falls the blanket wet.
Oh, I say, Rupert -
Catch! Oh, the horror and blood
In these Summer Daze.
Took me just fifteen
Minutes to compose all these.
Speed haiku is fun.
From Kevan, 19 Feb 2002:
after all these years,
boringly, bases STILL turn
phenolphthalein pink
"i'd also like to mention that i believe i am the first person ever to use
the word 'phenolphthalein' in a haiku." - klm
Me:
I suspect that's so.
Most people don't use such words
as phenolphthalein.
KLM:
the only thing i
hate worse than free verse is when
people use the same
word over and o-
ver again in a haiku
to fill up the line.
also people who
make haiku by lopping sen-
tences up just right.
klm
01 May 2002 (me):
Like, dude, where'd you go?
I was all "haiku" and stuff,
And you disappeared.
Couldn't take the heat?
Figured you'd just get out now
While egress was good?
Sho' 'nuff whupped your tail.
Lef' you stragglin' in de dus',
Strugglin' 'n' pantin'.
We are Chinese mice,
Singsong voices, harmony,
Lots of 'la' and 'mi'.
Mary's little lamb,
with snowy fleece, followed her,
much like a stalker.
I haiku like mad.
You stand back in wonderment.
Tell me who's ya' dad.
Rhyme scheme "abc".
Not too much by way of foot.
Meter kind of weak.
Hmm...I wonder if
An epic haiku cycle
Has ever been tried?
Sharp, silver egg shells;
latent drops of knifing cheese,
Jumping off a brick.
I'm getting bored now.
Need something more challenging
To hold my interest.
02 May 2002
I'm tired (can you tell?).
My haiku is really weak
When I get this tired.
I'm too tired for this.
I should not write bad haiku.
I'm just way too tired.
Think I'll go to bed.
No, maybe I'll write some more...
Nah, to bed it is.
After this one more,
THEN I'll go to bed (I think).
Unless I keep on.
What will I decide?
Will I keep on abusing
The poor haiku form?
Or will I desist?
Do I dare, and, Do I dare?
I will eat a peach.
"Word up, yo, homey!"
"Whut up, G, yo, keep it real!"
Yeah, I'm down wi'dat.
KLM (18 Jun 2002):
i am haiku man
no one stands against my rhymes
bustin on da mike
i am bitter-man
no one cares to cheer me up
mopin in the rain
Me:
18 Jun 2002
I am cynic-man:
I believe the world is bad,
And it's getting worse.
I am Isle of Man;
No idea just what that means,
Or where it is found.
KLM:
i'm subconscious man.
are you gay? who can be sure?
you said "isle of man".
18 Jun 2002
Deep in furtive dusk,
Willows whisper and conspire
By a sleeping pond.
13 Aug 2002
Summarizing Kevan's Belize trip report:
Watermelon juice,
Packaged up like orange juice -
Is this great, or what?
Man, these cats are POOR!
Poorer than dirt, if dirt were
Less rich than it is.
Error, everywhere -
Getting Kevan's dander up.
False teachers look out!
Showing forth the Word,
In love, hoping some will hear.
If they don't -- &#$*@ 'em.
I should study more.
All those wasted years when I
Just played Donkey Kong.
Pineapple is good.
Especially in Belize.
It's fresh and juicy.
An addendum:
We make appointments;
They conveniently "forget,"
Or hide in the back.
09 May 2003
My Ricky Skaggs haiku:
I'm not Ricky Skaggs.
Neither is Donny Osmond.
I had to say that.
Also, except for the last note, here are the opening notes to "Dueling
Banjos", in haiku:
Blink-plink-plink plink plink
plink plink plink plink, plink-plink-plink
plink plink plink plink plink
(plink)
12 June 2003
(to klm)
So, Happy Birthday.
Looks just like the last one did,
Just a year later.
23 June 2003
Done in IRC session, in approximately real-time:
CString, unicode,
Functions swirl and interfere
With my programming.
I desire a class,
Something string-related, yeah,
That works the first time.
Operators do
what they're told, but who can tell
what they're told to do?
13 June 2003
[In response to what, I cannot tell]
Sorry, but mirrors
Do NOT make things larger than
They are in real life.
The metric system -
Bane of many, friend of few -
Confuses young men.
But it gives them hope -
"13" (centimeters) sounds
Better than just "6".
Then from there they leap
To the unit error which
Gives an ego boost.
24 June 2003
On Tue, 24 Jun 2003, Moore, Kevan wrote:
> free verse haiku is
> nothing more than an exer-
> cise in newline-ing
Yeah, well, that may be
true, but it's still better than
having a fork shoved
up your nose, you'll have
to admit. Right? I mean, right?
That's right, isn't it?
that's what makes haiku artists so cool. they sing about REAL
life. turn it into an art form.
I went to Burger
King for lunch; got me a cheese-
burger and some fries.
26 June 2003
Gimme that free verse!
Gimme that free-verse haiku,
Yeah, gimme free verse.
Ain't nothing like it,
That good old free-verse haiku,
Unstructured and cool.
We're locked and loaded,
Free-verse haiku pimpin', yeah,
On a one-way ride.
Free-verse, Free-style, Whee!
Nothing gonna hold me down.
I gotta be Free!
Flying high above,
Laughing at the sheep below,
I'm a free-verse bird!
Look, ma, no rhyme scheme!
I can write just how I please.
It's a free country!
Gotta be free-verse -
Got to have my way with words,
However I please.
Can't be locked in rhymes,
Cramped by style and rhythmic forms -
Just break free and write!
[And now a short selection from the upcoming Haiku epic:
"Lynyrd Skynyrd Show -
Haiku form meets Southern Rock -
East and South are One"]
Swaying with the crowd,
Holding up my Bic lighter,
"Free-verse," someone shouts.
The band, feeling it,
Grins at the guitarist, who
Brings out the glass slide.
The crowd, reverent,
Quietens as the notes pour out,
Bird-song, liquid, steel.
Barefoot, holding court,
Southern redneck troubador,
Ronnie Van Zant sings,
"If I should leave here,
Tomorrow, even, would you
Still remember me?
[coming soon - the Iliad in haiku]
KLM - 26 June 2003
i will never see
a haiku cute as a tree
not ever, think i
whose trunk sucks earth milk
as if it was a fluffing
fifty google D
that looks to heaven
reaching up with stiffened arms
and leaf-hands praying
that wears like head lice
robins' and other birds' nests;
whose poop falls like dew
that has to take snow
and rain into its bosom
day in and day out
i can't make a tree
but my two breast references
make my poem classic
klm
(For those who slept through high school Lit classes, here's a clue. - rew)
06 October 2003
Your mission, should you choose to accept it:
Construct a 3-stanza haiku cycle incorporating the following words:
sacroiliac
hebetudinous
entomologist
As in:
"Ineffable beauty"
And bugs only mix to an
Entomologist.
Doubtless some insects
Send a shiver right down his
Sacroiliac.
But for most of us,
Such a thing would be, at best,
Hebetudinous.
I rock. Man, do I rock. I am the haiku king. I just take the
biscuit.
There is, besides me,
No talent that flies so high
In the haiku sky.
I must be Basho,
Reincarnated, alive,
Spreading haiku funk.
Pimpin' phat haikus,
All up in this place, no doubt,
Gots all the bling bling.
I, the haiku king,
Am stymied by this project:
Writing haiku rap.
It's easy to start;
But then there's no attitude,
No sense of menace.
Of course, you don't know.
You don't think there's such a thing
As a "good" rap song.
But I'm telling you -
It's just hard to get the feel
With few syllables.
And then there's rhythm -
Or rather the lack of it -
Haiku's Japanese.
That's quite a long way
From dark, tribal Africa
Where native drums beat.
People who drink tea,
Instead of collecting heads,
Can't expect to rap.
So, naturally,
Their poetic forms aren't meant
For bustin' hip-hop.
I think you would find
The same is true of Britain:
Name a Brit rapper?
See? Tea and hip-hop
Mix like oil and water don't.
Layers in a pond.
You are clearly awed;
Too blown away to respond
Without gibbering.
27 October 2003
Famous country song haiku
I hear train coming
It's coming around the bend.
I see no sunshine.
05 June 2005
Evil bunnies suck.
Sorry, repeating myself:
All bunnies are bad.
Nasty, fluffy things,
With nasty, big pointy teeth.
He can LEAP about...